Finding Stillness

I like to think of myself as being a woman who always has a plan. I have lists for my lists. And yet, this is the first time in a while that I have no clue what’s next. Despite all of my lists, this is the first time in a long time that I have to truly decide what direction to take next.

There’s so much fear and excitement wrapped up into being in control of my life. After finishing college, it was so easy to want to go back to school. If there’s one thing I know how to do well, it’s being a student.

But how to be a student of life? That’s my struggle. 

I’m attempting to take my time, be patient and know that it will all work out.

Since there are so many ways that I can go, it makes sense to encounter opinions and suggestions along the way. The challenge I face is learning how to sift through how others believe I should live my life, and how I want to live my life.

People mean well. No one wants to see someone struggle or get frustrated with dealing with the ambiguity of life. But that’s where I thrive. I hate trying to figure out the next steps, but it always leads to an amazing path that I wouldn’t take if I was comfortable.

Although I hate living in the gray and not knowing what the future will look like, I find it necessary. The lessons I learn when I’m facing the toughest moments have stayed with me for life. I’d never want to wipe them away.

I don’t want to live in a bubble of comfort out of fear of exploring opportunities that challenge me.

While there’s a desire to comfort people who take a leap, I know I need to jump and maybe fall before I get to where I need to be.

Why are we so scared of falling?

Getting hurt is only half the story. We often forget about the triumphant ending that consists of a strong recovery and a launching pad for success. 

I have no idea what is next, but I do have some plans.

Finishing graduate school feels like another opportunity for me to find my path. It can be unbelievably uncomfortable waiting to hear back about jobs, especially when it’s an aspect that is out of your control.

But for now, I’m working on making the most of this time that is full of unknowns.

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