Is there anyone else that uses humor to cover up their struggles?

Over the past six months, I’ve joked around about how I don’t get sleep and what I realize is that joke isn’t funny. Although it’s starting to get better, I spent the last six months getting 3-4 hours of sleep a night if I was lucky. The moment I would wake up at 3 or 4 am, I was up for the rest of the day. Getting less sleep while looking for a job is easily the hardest thing I’ve done. It’s exhausting and clouds your judgement. I’m tired of being tired.

I want and need to get more sleep. I also want to get better at taking care of myself. Since it’s New Year’s Eve, I guess that’s my resolution. I haven’t made a resolution in years but the ones I made were usually lofty goals with no tangible result.

Taking care of myself is something that seeps into everything. Mentally, physically, emotionally, I often brush my own needs under the rug. I push them down and only attend to them when I need to. Usually by then, my needs come screaming out because I’ve ignored them for too long.

I didn’t anticipate writing about a New Year’s resolution but anxiety got the best of me and woke me up at 4 am.

I’m realizing how exhausted I am with my own bullshit. With my own negative self talk. 

I want 2019 to be the year that I get more sleep, finish my yoga certification and take better care of myself.

It’s a tall order, but I’m done with making excuses for why I treat myself more like a machine and less like a person. I’m ready to do things differently… and to currently take a nap.